...it can't be mine, can it? I've entered my thirties and the back-to-school season with a surge of activity. This has been a very busy week, and very pleasantly so.
First, I've been writing a lot more lately. Some of this is blogging in various places, and some of it is my top-secret novel, which stands now at just shy of 200 pages, and may actually be finished someday. I'm trying to recognize that writing anything at all, no matter how bad, is better than writing nothing at all. I can always go back to polish up the writing, rework the pace, whatever... but not if there's no manuscript to begin with. It's an internal battle, more than laziness. It's easier to tell myself "Well, you're just lazy," than to finish up and risk the news that my writing is pretty crappy, after all. Ahhh, the angst of the artiste.
Monday, we had an impromptu barbeque culminating in an absolutely disastrous French Apple Tart. However, hanging out with our friends Keith and Erica reminds us that it's fun and that we should, like, actually do it more often.
On Tuesday, a veritable plague struck my aquarium. 60% of its inhabitants died, in one fell swoop. My six-year-old kuhli loach, Lorenzo, passed away, and took with him my pl*co and one of my last two red cloud tetras. This left me with a tank with one red cloud tetra, and one ten-inch iridescent shark.
I finally took Sharky back to the fish store, to find a new home with a bigger tank. (I'd been meaning to do so for months, poor guy). Then I picked up a pair of really lovely gouramis and half a dozen neon tetras. I know, neons have the lifespan of cherry blossoms, but they're pretty, and Sasha likes them. So far, I'm loving the gouramis. They have a lot of personality. One neon has achieved death-by-filter intake, so I've reduced the suction a little. Another neon is looking iffy today, but we'll see how he fares.
Later that night, I went to a Bikram Yoga class. That's hot yoga, folks. Yoga in 105 degrees. Yoga that makes your blood pump and your vision turn red in the corners. I'm not sure if I liked it or not, but I'm hoping to go back tomorrow. It left me feeling much like I did when I donated blood, except hot instead of cold: wrung-out, light-headed, and absurdly proud of myself.
Last night, I attended a community choral society rehearsal. It reminds me that I really, really miss singing. Listening to music is all very well, but creating music with other people -- especially the kind with four-part harmony -- is an indescribable experience.
It was a lot of fun. I'd like to join up, but I'm looking at all of my other obligations to see if it would fit in very well. I don't want to do it in a way that would annoy my family, so I guess we'll see.
And that's it for the "Andrea Gets a Life" roundup. Tune in next time, when Andrea wonders why it's suddenly so much harder ot keep her house clean, after all!
My kitchen is: Blessedly free of apple tart residue.
Posted by andrea at September 9, 2004 02:12 PMI have to say that your little girl is adorable. That's the first I've seen of her, your posted pics. And also that I am insanely jealous of your various outings. I have been considering a yoga class. It's only one night a week for 8 weeks, so the commitment isn't too heavy, but I believe I'll stick with a room-temperature class, since I'm prone to migraines and that hot yoga sounds headache-inducing.
I've been writing more lately as well. I just submitted something to 'Brain, Child,' and I fully anticipate a rejection, but hell, I finished an essay! It's called "Confessions of a Breast-Feeding Failure," and let me say, it was a very healing and psychologically cleansing writing adventure. :)
That's all for now.
Posted by: Kelly on September 10, 2004 01:35 PMThanks :) I don't think I'll be taking up the hot yoga on a general basis, but it has been an interesting experience.
I'd be interested in looking at your essay. I'm not *quite* a fringe lactivist nutjob, but I have a lot of strong feelings about nursing and our culture. There are some real physiological barriers, but I think in most cases, the true failure is not the mother's at all. It's more a failure of support networks, who don't have realistic expectations about that early period, and don't adequately prepare the mother for what to truly expect. Just because it's *natural* doesn't mean it's *easy*, you know?
Most women coming into their first child are never told that nursing for 18 hours a day, staggered around the clock, for the entire first six weeks is expected and normal. You won't be able to clean. You won't be able to cook. You may not be able to shower all regular-like. It doesn't mean the baby is starving. The information you get is generally pretty unhelpful and vague, and these women just don't want their babies to starve... *sigh*
I can get really worked up over it, because it causes all of these well-meaning mothers to feel like they've somehow failed, when they really just made the best of unrealistic expectations and untenable situations. But really, it's nobody's fault.
Posted by: Andrea on September 10, 2004 02:16 PMI'd be happy to send my essay to you, just let me know where to send it if interested.
I had a hellish experience with nursing, probably due to some of what you described in your comment above, and also because I thought I prepared, but when I found myself faced with a daughter who refused to latch, I suddenly became ignorant about everything. That refusal, her seeming willfullness when it came to nursing, really threw me. I mean, what baby would do that? (I found out later that it's really more common than I thought.) But the people I thought would be most helpful (my midwives, for one) didn't seem to hear me. I felt like people thought I was lying when I said that every time I tried to get Hannah to latch she would scream bloody murder.
In retrospect, there are certainly things I could have done differently, but I feel like being a first-time mom, I was so consumed with anxiety and flat-out despair with our inability to nurse consistently, and I really needed someone to calm me down, and to cut me some slack. I feel very strongly about breastfeeding as well, and I hope I've learned enough through this experience to guide me through the next time. And I'm praying that I won't have the same issues. It truly was heartbreaking.
I think I've gotten over it, but I needed some therapy for a while. And when I hear about mothers still nursing their toddlers, I get a bit wistful, for sure.
Posted by: Kelly on September 12, 2004 03:26 PM