Sasha is two years old.
Now I know what you're thinking. "God, she's so sleep-deprived, she can't even do simple math anymore! Sasha's not even 18 months yet!" There is more truth to that than I find comfortable, but that isn't what I mean.
Sasha is two years old, mentally. This makes her sound terrific and advanced for her age and super-brilliant, right? This may yet all turn out to be the case, I'll give you that. But what it really means is that she's turned into a &$%@#% pain in the @#$%@.
Allow me to illustrate.
Sasha and daddy have a morning ritual. Daddy takes her downstairs while they're both still in their jammies, and together they feed the cat and bring in the newspaper. This is the highlight of her morning. She loves going downstairs with daddy! She gets angry if he goes down without her! It's practically as good as watching the Wiggles!
Today, she woke up her usual sunny early bird self; smiling, laughing, jumping on our internal organs. After a while, Matt roused himself and asked if she wanted to fo downstairs. "No," Sasha said, shaking her head and climbing down to get into his cubby full of superhero collectible cards.
"Are you sure?" Matt asked, pulling on his sweatshirt. This is something they've been through every day for months; a part of the game. She pretends she doesn't want to go with him, up until the moment he sets foot on the steps. Then she's all about daddy.
"No!" Sasha said, shaking her head.
"Come with daddy?" he asked. "Come on, I'll get you." He hoisted her and her fistfuls of collectible Marvel hero trading cards.
"Noooooo!" wailed Sasha.
Matt put her down again.
"You don't want to come downstairs? Are you sure?" he asked.
"No!" Sasha said triumphantly, shaking her head. Then she turned her back and toddled off again to get more cards.
Rejected and dejected, daddy went downstairs, all alone.
It's great that Sasha is learning how to exert her independence and all that, but it would have been nicer if she stuck to exerting it on me. Poor daddy just isn't ready yet.
My kitchen is: Really not so bad. Need to mop. Need groceries. Need new contacts. In all, this needs to be a weekend of errand-running.
6:24 AM: Sasha wakes up.
6:25 AM: Sasha urgently requests Wiggles DVD be played.
8:30 AM: Baby quiet and eating during breakfast. Hurrah!
9:40 AM: Colleague arrives with replacement cable. Only $80 at Fry's. Connect scanner. Scanner working. Go me!
10:20 AM: Realize pages are not in fact being scanned. Adjust blank-page theshold. Pages scan solid black.
10:30 AM: Boss calls scanner manufacturer. Boss reseats scanner bulbs.
10:31 AM: Question boss on wiseness of handling bulbs with bare hands.
10:32 AM: Scanner bulb breaks in two with loud crack. All hope for scanner abandoned.
12:15 PM: Boss goes in search of lunch.
1:15 PM: Boss returns from lunch.
1:20 PM: Discover lunch no longer being served. Become cross and hungry.
3:00 PM: Show serves snacks and beer to exhibitors. Hurrah!
3:45 PM: Boss begins packing up booth.
4:00 PM: Show floor officially closes.
4:45 PM: Booth and demos all packed up. Hurrah!
5:30 PM: Join family and journey to airport.
6:30 PM: Sasha has incident involving large quantity of honey-mustard. Change her clothes in ladies' room.
8:15 PM: Sasha asleep for night, does not wake up again.
8:45 PM: Flight home boards.
4:30 AM: Flight touches down at home 45 minutes early. Hurrah! Family goes home.
9:30 AM: Sasha wakes up.
9:31 AM: Sasha urgently requests Wiggles DVD be played.
6:27 AM: Sasha wakes up.
6:28 AM: Sasha urgently requests Wiggles DVD be played.
8:30 AM: Family eats breakfast. Baby v. loud. Baby flings food with wild abandon.
9:00 AM: Boss calls. Scanner has arrived!
9:22 AM: Install VRS software, Adrenaline card, scanner.
9:48 AM: Scanner not working. Reinstall VRS software, Adrenaline card, scanner.
10:00 AM: Show floor opens. Scanner still not working. Call scanner manufacturer for technical support. Check cable for proper seating, bent pins, nasty flashing red lights, etc.
12:30 PM: Scanner still not working. Scanner manufacturer suggests hardware failure. Suggests speaking to software company, just in case. Place call during fancy sit-down lunch.
1:30 PM: Following software company's suggestions, uninstall ALL software from machine, manually delete dlls and registry keys. Reinstall scanner bits.
3:00 PM: Scanner still not working. Examine cable for missing pins for n!th time. Realize corner pin is completely missing.
5:30 PM: Join family at Disneyland. Hurrah! Watch character parade. V. high production values.
6:00 PM: Enjoy dinner with v. loud, wiggly baby at French Marketplace. Scenery includes live band, moonlight in river, wrought-iron lamps. Comment on romantic nature of locale to husband, as baby drops macaroni & cheese down sweater.
7:00 PM: Ride on Christmas-decorated Haunted Mansion. Much enjoyed by whole family. Resolve to rent "Nightmare Before Christmas."
8:00 PM: Family retires to hotel to sleep.
9:30 PM: Family woken by Disneyland fireworks.
6:23 AM: Sasha wakes up.
6:24 AM: Sasha urgently requests Wiggles DVD be played.
8:30 AM: Boss bows out of breakfast. Good thing, because baby v. loud.
9:00 AM: Go to convention center with boss. Show hours noon to 4 today; still no scanner.
10:30 AM: Go for soda, $2.75 for 20 oz. Still no scanner.
Noon: Enjoy lovely boxed lunch over course of three hours. Still no scanner. Realize brought nothing to scan anyhow.
4:00 PM: Expo floor closes. Go back to hotel.
4:31 PM: Sasha urgently requests Wiggles DVD be played.
4:33 PM: Sasha asleep. Plan to take her to Rainforest Cafe.
5:30 PM: Sasha still asleep. Call Rainforest Cafe. Told wait is hour and a half, and getting no shorter. Plan to go to Chili's with boss.
6:15 PM: Go to Chili's with boss, who uses nifty GPS device to navigate. Boss neglects to inform Matt of turns more than 20 feet in advance. (Boss later comments on Matt's unsteady driving.)
7:45 PM: Family goes to sleep.
9:30 PM: Family woken by Disneyland fireworks.
10:00 AM EDT: Family leaves for airport and noon flight. Realize we have no time to stop for breakfast. Resolve to eat in airport.
10:30 AM: Arrive at airport in good time. Wait on line with baggage while Matt parks car in exotic, far-away Long Term Parking.
10:45 AM: Told that Matt must wait on line to check in himself; may not present ID at gate. Also told must haul own checked luggage to distant location for security check. Clerk offers to watch baby, HAH. Haul stroller with baby plus four pieces of luggage to required location. Go back to beginning of line to wait on Matt's behalf.
11:00 AM: Beep going through security gate with baby. Searched carefully for hidden weapons.
11:05 AM: Security personnel suspect nebulizer a bomb. Bag searched.
11:10 AM: Family and bags pulled aside for second complete search. No bombs found.
11:15 AM: Nebulize Sasha in ladies' room; changed diaper.
11:20 AM: Realize Sasha did not receive boarding pass for purchased seat. Inquire with gate agent. Told Sasha has no reserved seat. Realize breakfast will not be happening.
11:50 AM: Boss calls; scanner did not arrive at trade show.
Noon: Gate agent allows us to board flight despite ticket problem. Uneventful flight despite presence of toddler.
3:30 PM PST: Flight lands. As per instructions, proceed to ticket counter for hand-written paper ticket for baby on return flight.
3:40 PM: Boss calls. Still no scanner.
4:30 PM: Sasha receives return ticket. Proceed to acquire rental car and check in to hotel.
7:30 PM: Family retires for the evening.
9:30 PM: Family woken by Disneyland fireworks.
Last night, we went to the grocery to pick up a few snacks on our flight to California today. Suddenly, mid-aisle, Sasha stopped cold, and stood, screaming and pointing at something out of our field of view.
There, on the second shelf, perfectly positioned so that only toddler eyes could see it, were boxes of "The Wiggles" brand fruit snacks. Sasha is a big fan of the Wiggles. She was very excited to see the faces of the Fab Four at the supermarket. It was arguably the best thing that happened to her all day.
Those who try to market and sell to small children are evil and should die painfully and socially repugnant deaths.
We did not purchase the snacks. Fortunately for us, Sasha has not yet learned that stores are consumer exchange sites wherein one can purchase and bring home the things one finds.
My kitchen is: Clean enough that I won't have a heart attack when we come back from California.